Senator From New York Launches Investigation Into Blizzard Of 2014

Albany, NY (TS) - Senator Charles Schumer (D) has vowed to "get to the bottom" of the Blizzard of 2014 in response to thousands of frantic calls received by his office during the most recent snowstorm.

Chuck Schumer - Not a Blizzard Enthusiast

Senator Schumer addressed the media during a conference call while he was on official government business in Tahiti. The Senator went into graphic detail as to the outcries that came from his constituents during the blizzard that hammered much of the Western and Upstate New York.

"Some of the calls were just heartwrenching," the Senator recalls. "One woman from Hamburg, NY was screaming into the phone something about Obamacare causing the snow in her driveway to prevent her from being able to get to Tops for essential supplies. Then I heard her say something about Coors and she was devoured by what sounded like a polar bear."

The Senator got emotional as he recalled one particular message that he says he listened to "several times" and it may have changed his views on some of the recent state laws that have been passed.

"A man from Orchard Park, NY called my office frantic that the snow was invading his personal space and he was prepared to stand his ground. Then I heard him open the door to his house and he started firing at the snow with his semi-automatic weapon. Then the phone went dead. I just . . . I just don't know if he made it or if the snow got him."

The Senator has vowed to launch an investigation into the causes of the Blizzard of 2014 and determine how the Republican Party had allowed so much devastation to happen to so many innocent people.

"I'm just sick about this," the Senator said as the sound of ukuleles and native drums could be heard in the distance. "I am certain that a bipartisan approach to this blizzard could have prevented so much devastation, but it is just impossible to get the Republicans to work together with us on anything."

Senator Schumer is prepared to introduce a measure into Congress that would allocate $30 million to studying how the Republicans had allowed the Blizzard of 2014 to infringe on the Second Amendment rights of Obamacare subscribers all over the country. The Senator also vowed to blame as many Republicans as possible before the investigation is concluded.

When asked to comment on the allegations made by Senator Schumer, House Speaker John Boehner just lowered his head and said "Schumer is an ass."