Senator From New York Launches Investigation Into Blizzard Of 2014

Albany, NY (TS) - Senator Charles Schumer (D) has vowed to "get to the bottom" of the Blizzard of 2014 in response to thousands of frantic calls received by his office during the most recent snowstorm.

Chuck Schumer - Not a Blizzard Enthusiast

Senator Schumer addressed the media during a conference call while he was on official government business in Tahiti. The Senator went into graphic detail as to the outcries that came from his constituents during the blizzard that hammered much of the Western and Upstate New York.

"Some of the calls were just heartwrenching," the Senator recalls. "One woman from Hamburg, NY was screaming into the phone something about Obamacare causing the snow in her driveway to prevent her from being able to get to Tops for essential supplies. Then I heard her say something about Coors and she was devoured by what sounded like a polar bear."

The Senator got emotional as he recalled one particular message that he says he listened to "several times" and it may have changed his views on some of the recent state laws that have been passed.

"A man from Orchard Park, NY called my office frantic that the snow was invading his personal space and he was prepared to stand his ground. Then I heard him open the door to his house and he started firing at the snow with his semi-automatic weapon. Then the phone went dead. I just . . . I just don't know if he made it or if the snow got him."

The Senator has vowed to launch an investigation into the causes of the Blizzard of 2014 and determine how the Republican Party had allowed so much devastation to happen to so many innocent people.

"I'm just sick about this," the Senator said as the sound of ukuleles and native drums could be heard in the distance. "I am certain that a bipartisan approach to this blizzard could have prevented so much devastation, but it is just impossible to get the Republicans to work together with us on anything."

Senator Schumer is prepared to introduce a measure into Congress that would allocate $30 million to studying how the Republicans had allowed the Blizzard of 2014 to infringe on the Second Amendment rights of Obamacare subscribers all over the country. The Senator also vowed to blame as many Republicans as possible before the investigation is concluded.

When asked to comment on the allegations made by Senator Schumer, House Speaker John Boehner just lowered his head and said "Schumer is an ass."

Irate Sabres Fans Storm First Niagara Center Executive Offices

Buffalo, NY  (TS) - Today, hundreds of Buffalo Sabres fans stormed the First Niagara Center executive offices immediately after the Sabres lost an overtime game to the Calgary Flames. The fans were armed with those long, annoying plastic horns and empty beer cups. It should be noted that the mob was armed with dozens and dozens of empty beer cups, not just a few.

The fans were met just outside the Sabres executive offices by new president of hockey operations, Pat LaFontaine. With his hands outstretched to calm the angry mob, the Sabres legendary player and newest executive asked the fans what they wanted.

Image via BuffaloSabresNation.com

The mob was surprisingly organized and represented by Chad Istakowinski of Cheektowaga, N.Y. Istakowinski approached LaFontaine to name the mob's demands and LaFontaine immediately recoiled at the strong scent of alcohol coming from Istakowinski and the entire mob in general. The following is a transcript of the actual exchange between Istakowinski and LaFontaine.

LaFontaine: "What is it I can do for you guys?"

Istakowinski: "We want the Stanley Cup! Now! We've been waiting a long time!"

A resounding "yeah!" in unison, rises up from the mob.

LaFontaine: "Guys, look. They don't give out the Stanley Cup until June."

Istakowinski: "More bullshit from a crappy team!"

"Yeah!"

LF: "No, guys, seriously. The Cup isn't handed out until it is won around the beginning of June."

IK: "Ok. Well, we want to win it in June then!"

"Yeah!"

LF: "Guys, we are doing our best but it will take time. Coach Nolan is going through the roster to determine who we will be keeping and who we will be moving out of here to make way for better players."

IK: "The team sucks!"

"Yeah!"

LF: "OK, I know the team is struggling. But Coach Nolan and I have a lot to work through. I haven't even hired a general manager yet."

IK: "Well how come we ain't winning? You guys fired Lindy, like we told you to do. Then you fired that Rolston-Purina guy like we told you to do. The you fired that lady who was general manager before. What was her name? Oh yeah! Darcy! Just like we told you to do! Now start winning!"

LF: "It isn't that simple. We just don't have the players to go out and win right now. That is why we are evaluating talent to try and come out contending for the Cup in the next couple of years."

IK: "Next couple of years?!?!? More bullshit! We want you to win right now!"

LF: "OK, I tell you guys what. I will talk to the coach and see if we can get the team winning some more. OK?"

IK: "Ok. No tricks LaFontaine. We are watching you! And we will have you fired to if you don't start winning."

LF: "Guys, the fans don't dictate what kinds of decisions the team makes. We make the best decisions we can for the organization."

With that, the mob lunged forward and tossed LaFontaine out of the executive windows and onto the ice surface. When asked what his next move would be, Istakowinski said that he and the mob would continue to call in and complain about the team on sports talk radio shows and make nonsensical comments on Internet social media sites until "the damn team starts winning."

Istakowinski promised that if the team did not start winning, then the fans would demand that owner Terry Pegula be fired next. When this reporter informed Istakowinski that NHL owners cannot be fired, Istakowinski and the mob chased me until I was able to get into my SUV and drive away to safety.

Sabres owner Terry Pegula has released no statement on the tragedy of Pat LaFontaine. Team president Ted Black was quoted as saying that Buffalo Sabres fans are "just above Leafs fans in the chart of sports intelligence."

Holy shit! What's that white stuff?

People all over Western New York woke up dumbfounded Friday morning to find a blanket of cold white flaky stuff on their lawns, cars and everything else.

"Yeah, man. I got no idea what this stuff is. But it's scary," said Harvey Shoelace of Amherst. "Is it alien goo or something? I'm just going to hide inside and wait for the National Guard."

This poor pooch is covered in the mysterious cold white
powder that is affecting Western New York. Use extreme
caution because government officials will not confirm
whether the powder is hazardous.

Many believe that it must be part of a government conspiracy because local towns and cities seemed to have special trucks at the ready to move the white stuff from the roadways. Some businesses might be in on it as well as they had smaller versions of the government vehicles clearing their parking lots.

"I've never seen anything like it," said Clarine Faucet of North Tonawanda. "I feel like we should have had some sort of warning. Now I'm stuck at home with 17 hungry kids and nothing to do but cater to their every stupid whim. Some of them want to go outside and play in it. How disgusting is that?"

There are rumors that Western New York is not alone in the sudden appearance of the mysterious white stuff. People in Ohio and Massachusetts have complained of the same thing on social media websites.

Numerous calls to the Department of Homeland Security and the United Nations have gone unanswered, further fueling the conspiracy speculation.

U.S. Postal Service surrenders to Amazon

In a hostile takeover - literally - Amazon.com has taken control of the United States Postal Service.

The internet shopping site dispatched thousands of Amazon Prime Air drones to the postmaster general's office in L'Enfant Plaza, Washington D.C., surrounding it and demanding to take immediate control of the postal service's deliveries.

Postmaster General Patrick R. Donahoe assembled a team to fight off the drones including Assistant Postmaster General Ronald A. Stroman and Human Resources Officer Jeffrey Williamson. The patriots put up a valiant fight against the drones but were eventually captured and taken back to Amazon headquarters in Seattle. The trio has not been heard from since.

Once Donahoe was removed from his office, one of the drones, known as Prime One, assumed leadership of postal operations, firing all 522,000 employees. A press release from Amazon said their duties would be carried out by the drones starting today.

President Barack Obama refused to recognize the change in the postal service hierarchy, but Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos shot back.

"The president would be wise to not meddle in Amazon's affairs," Bezos said in a statement on the Colbert Report Wednesday night. "We have chosen the postal service for now, but there's nothing preventing us from taking over all government offices."

More details about our new cyborg overlords will be published when Bezos allows us to.

All hail Bezos.

Toronto Mayor Unclear As To Bills' Game Outcome

Toronto mayor Rob Ford was seen at the Buffalo Bills' home game this Sunday as the Bills made their annual trek to the Rogers Centre in Toronto. The Buffalo Bills lost to the Atlanta Falcons in overtime, but Mayor Ford maintains that he is unsure as to the outcome of the game.

"I was tailgating, I think that is what they call it, eh" the rotund mayor explained early Monday morning as he crawled to his vehicle through a wet and dirty parking lot. "I was so blasted on three different kinds of crack before we went into the stadium that I wasn't sure what was going on. I think I grabbed a seagull on the way into the stadium, but I really don't remember."

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford finishes remaining portion of a parking lot seagull he brought into the Rogers Centre.

Fans who were seated near Mayor Ford reported him to stadium security several times for shouting "Go Argos!" throughout the game and threatening to bare his buttocks to the crowd.

"I'll show my ass if you people don't shut up" the mayor was heard yelling as he attempted to deal with complaining fans on his own. Stadium security had a long talk with the mayor, after which the mayor threw up and passed out in his seat.

When asked if he planned on attending next year's Buffalo Bills game in Toronto, the mayor looked up and asked "Why? Is this one over?"