Irate Sabres Fans Storm First Niagara Center Executive Offices

Buffalo, NY  (TS) - Today, hundreds of Buffalo Sabres fans stormed the First Niagara Center executive offices immediately after the Sabres lost an overtime game to the Calgary Flames. The fans were armed with those long, annoying plastic horns and empty beer cups. It should be noted that the mob was armed with dozens and dozens of empty beer cups, not just a few.

The fans were met just outside the Sabres executive offices by new president of hockey operations, Pat LaFontaine. With his hands outstretched to calm the angry mob, the Sabres legendary player and newest executive asked the fans what they wanted.

Image via BuffaloSabresNation.com

The mob was surprisingly organized and represented by Chad Istakowinski of Cheektowaga, N.Y. Istakowinski approached LaFontaine to name the mob's demands and LaFontaine immediately recoiled at the strong scent of alcohol coming from Istakowinski and the entire mob in general. The following is a transcript of the actual exchange between Istakowinski and LaFontaine.

LaFontaine: "What is it I can do for you guys?"

Istakowinski: "We want the Stanley Cup! Now! We've been waiting a long time!"

A resounding "yeah!" in unison, rises up from the mob.

LaFontaine: "Guys, look. They don't give out the Stanley Cup until June."

Istakowinski: "More bullshit from a crappy team!"

"Yeah!"

LF: "No, guys, seriously. The Cup isn't handed out until it is won around the beginning of June."

IK: "Ok. Well, we want to win it in June then!"

"Yeah!"

LF: "Guys, we are doing our best but it will take time. Coach Nolan is going through the roster to determine who we will be keeping and who we will be moving out of here to make way for better players."

IK: "The team sucks!"

"Yeah!"

LF: "OK, I know the team is struggling. But Coach Nolan and I have a lot to work through. I haven't even hired a general manager yet."

IK: "Well how come we ain't winning? You guys fired Lindy, like we told you to do. Then you fired that Rolston-Purina guy like we told you to do. The you fired that lady who was general manager before. What was her name? Oh yeah! Darcy! Just like we told you to do! Now start winning!"

LF: "It isn't that simple. We just don't have the players to go out and win right now. That is why we are evaluating talent to try and come out contending for the Cup in the next couple of years."

IK: "Next couple of years?!?!? More bullshit! We want you to win right now!"

LF: "OK, I tell you guys what. I will talk to the coach and see if we can get the team winning some more. OK?"

IK: "Ok. No tricks LaFontaine. We are watching you! And we will have you fired to if you don't start winning."

LF: "Guys, the fans don't dictate what kinds of decisions the team makes. We make the best decisions we can for the organization."

With that, the mob lunged forward and tossed LaFontaine out of the executive windows and onto the ice surface. When asked what his next move would be, Istakowinski said that he and the mob would continue to call in and complain about the team on sports talk radio shows and make nonsensical comments on Internet social media sites until "the damn team starts winning."

Istakowinski promised that if the team did not start winning, then the fans would demand that owner Terry Pegula be fired next. When this reporter informed Istakowinski that NHL owners cannot be fired, Istakowinski and the mob chased me until I was able to get into my SUV and drive away to safety.

Sabres owner Terry Pegula has released no statement on the tragedy of Pat LaFontaine. Team president Ted Black was quoted as saying that Buffalo Sabres fans are "just above Leafs fans in the chart of sports intelligence."