Holy shit! What's that white stuff?

People all over Western New York woke up dumbfounded Friday morning to find a blanket of cold white flaky stuff on their lawns, cars and everything else.

"Yeah, man. I got no idea what this stuff is. But it's scary," said Harvey Shoelace of Amherst. "Is it alien goo or something? I'm just going to hide inside and wait for the National Guard."

This poor pooch is covered in the mysterious cold white
powder that is affecting Western New York. Use extreme
caution because government officials will not confirm
whether the powder is hazardous.

Many believe that it must be part of a government conspiracy because local towns and cities seemed to have special trucks at the ready to move the white stuff from the roadways. Some businesses might be in on it as well as they had smaller versions of the government vehicles clearing their parking lots.

"I've never seen anything like it," said Clarine Faucet of North Tonawanda. "I feel like we should have had some sort of warning. Now I'm stuck at home with 17 hungry kids and nothing to do but cater to their every stupid whim. Some of them want to go outside and play in it. How disgusting is that?"

There are rumors that Western New York is not alone in the sudden appearance of the mysterious white stuff. People in Ohio and Massachusetts have complained of the same thing on social media websites.

Numerous calls to the Department of Homeland Security and the United Nations have gone unanswered, further fueling the conspiracy speculation.